— D.C. United scored six goals against the Chicago Fire. Six goals! That meant their play-by-play guy had to say "it's in the net" something like 20 times, plus around four more for the Fire's goals. It got hard to listen to after a while.
But it was fun to watch, because goals are fun. Patrick Mullins scored three times — leaving NYCFC and the Fire wishing they had gotten more out of him — and Chicago's defense looked like a disorganized calamity, like Owen Coyle was their coach or something. Poor Sean Johnson was forced to sit and watch his backline flub clearances, fail to track runs, and give up acres of space to Luciano Acosta and Patrick Nyarko.
It appears that the Fire do one of two things in every single game: Sit back and bunker like "cowards" and try to squeeze out a David Accam goal in the 85th-minute; or forgo defense entirely by pushing numbers forward, leaving Jonathan Campbell and Matt Polster to clean up everyone else's mess. They've done the former for most of the season (it hasn't worked) but they have done the latter a couple times (opening weekend against NYC is one example). Either way, they often play like a bad French team does against PSG.
DCU are only getting better. We'll see if they can pull away from Orlando City, who also won on the weekend.
Somehow Roger Espinoza got a straight red for this Roland Alberg flop. That put Sporting down to nine men, and since they weren't playing against Toronto FC, they failed to mount a comeback and now are just three points ahead of Portland for the fifth spot in the Western Conference.
SKC struggled to get any sort of possession in the center of the park for much of the game — leaving Dom Dwyer without service, as Benny Feilhaber wasn't giving it to him — and so they allowed Philly to cruise past them.
— Toronto FC lost to 10-man Montreal at home on Saturday. Sebastian Giovinco came off injured. It wasn't a good evening to be a TFC fan.
— Columbus shut out San Jose at home. Ethan Finlay and Justin Meram have hit their stride, and they will only get better when Federico Higuain is in the lineup more often. This might be a problem for them, though:
Central midfield is now paper thin with Tchani and Saravia called up and the strong possibility Trapp of trap unavailable.— Patrick Guldan (@GuldanMR) August 29, 2016
Dilly Duka and Mo Saeid likely starting in midfield next week. That might be interesting.
— The Galaxy scraped out a 0-0 draw in Vancouver despite a barrage of injuries. That's a six-game MLS winless streak.
LA don't look like LA right now. I suspect Bruce Arena will figure something out and they'll cream Columbus next week.
— FC Dallas stormed back against Houston and won 3-1 on the road, officially putting them at the top of the league in both the standings and points per game. They gave a goal away early, but they showed their class as they scored three unanswered goals in the second half.
They've been missing Fabian Castillo, and their lack of an elite finisher is discouraging. But as he proved in Houston, Michael Barrios is a top-tier talent in this league, and he is one of the most underrated players in MLS.
— It was an intense game in Portland. The crowded Providence Park crowd chanted "f--- Seattle" from the beginning and drowned out the determined Sounders supporters packed into their own little corner of the stadium. The noise was deafening, and it only got louder as the Timbers put up goal after goal in the first half.
With a driven Fanendo Adi back in the starting lineup, Portland had four goals going into the break against a sleepwalking Seattle side. Brian Schmetzer had his team revving in the beginning of the second half — Andreas Ivanschitz and Jordan Morris cut the deficit to 4-2 — but it wasn't enough, as the Timbers took home the full three points, much to the delight of the incredible crowd on hand.