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LA Galaxy Vancouver Whitecaps player ratings: Guy Fieri edition!

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MLS: Vancouver Whitecaps FC at LA Galaxy Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

What’s up guys and gals? My name’s Guy Fieri, and I’m the current frontman of Guy’s Grocery Games and my many other concoctions on the Food Network!

I was rolling through the mean streets of LA when my supreme homie Mike Gray asked me to spice up his player ratings, and I’m a huge soccer fan, so naturally...I agreed!

People always ask me “Guy, who’s your favorite American soccer player?” I go, “Bobby Wood!” Dude’s been tearing it up in Germany and just scored a wicked goal for the Hamburgers! Not to mention he’s from Hawaii, and you know I love Hawaiian shirts!

Looks like there was no winner winner chicken dinner for Galaxy fans tonight, though they did receive a killer Queso Carnitas appetizer at participating El Toritos.

Brian Rowe: One bad clearance aside, another solid outing for the Rowe-meister!

Robbie Rogers: Back in the starting lineup for the first time since June, Rogers had a strong performance despite the long injury layoff. The McRib of defenders, Rogers is top quality, but sadly, only seems to be available for a limited time.

Jelle Van Damme: More like Jelle van Gangster! Forgot his stellar defensive work, the Belgium waffle was LA’s most dangerous attacking weapon before going down with a left knee injury.

Ashley Cole: The usual classy performance from the English muffin. Had an outrageous heel flick early on that was the bomb!

Leonardo: Cowabunga! No major errors from the Brazilian center back.

Nigel de Jong: Like a Guy Fieri brand cast iron pot, this Dutch oven easily handled everything thrown at it.

Steven Gerrard: Goes down after what, 31 minutes with a hammy injury? Unreal.

Emmanuel Boateng: Normally Boateng is the bomb, but today he was inconsistent. 7-11 horchata inconsistent.

Sebastian Lletget: Thrived in the center of midfield after Gerrard’s premature exit. Like when you’re grilling hot dogs and run out of buns, but have a really tasty tortilla to substitute. Also had a crucial defensive clearance in the 60th minute that prevented a sure goal.

Giovani dos Santos: Gio is basically the piece of bacon in a salad. So much Flavortown, but you almost never get to enjoy it.

Alan Gordon: Battled hard and had LA’s best chance, but the 34-year old just couldn’t put that bad boy in the fryer.

Don’t worry, next week we’ll go back to the normal player ratings. :)