Chances are you've heard a Mitch Hedburg joke at some point in your life.
If you aren't familiar with Mitch Hedberg, the stand up comedian was one of Hollywood's most beloved personalities before his premature death in 2005. With his surreal humor and deadpan delivery, his original routine is considered legendary by fans and comedians alike.
(Disclaimer: The article is heavily reference-influenced. If you haven't heard Mitch before, check out this YouTube clip beforehand)
On his first game
"I went to go see the Galaxy play, which is cool because I live in Los An-gel-es. Turns out the stadium is next to a KFC in Carson. That's bullshit."
"The head coach is Bruce Arena, who has a really cool sounding name. In soccer when you win titles they give you a really cool sounding name, like with the Brazilians. Before his first title, Bruce Arena was Billy Sidewalk."
"I got to see the Galaxy beat the Seattle Sounders Football Club, and I'm not even a member!"
"I was at a tailgate, minding my own business, when this Galaxy fan bumped into me, which was cool but he didn't apologize, he said "Move!". Which I thought was rude so I said "Go to hell!"
Then I started to run.
He caught up with me. He had an ironic mustache, plugs, Ray-Bans, and he was wearing a Morrissey shirt with a fedora.
He said "Hey you got a lot of nerve."
I said "Hey you got a lot of hipster...accessories."
"The team names are too intense, man. The San Jose Earthquakes, The Chicago Fire...how about the San Diego Nice Days?"
"I used to love Mike Magee. I still do, but I used to too."
On the MLS pre-season
"There is nothing super about the SuperDraft. Perhaps if the draft selections did a dance, went down a slide and landed on a giant pile of money, that would be super."
"You can't please all the people all the time, and all those people were at the Red Bull town hall meeting."