So we're playing some team called Real Madrid on Saturday. I haven't heard of them before, but I've been told that they are the little sister club of Real Salt Lake and apparently they have some fat attacking player named Ronaldo with an appetite for transvestite hookers. Anyways, that bunch of boys has come over to Los Angeles for a friendly at the Coliseum where almost 100,000 fans will show up to see the Los Angeles Galaxy. Oh, and a family member or two might show up to watch their sons play for that Madrid team.
When you fill the Coliseum, you get a lot of money and the Galaxy will be getting a ton of money for Saturday night's friendly. Lucky for the Galaxy, they don't have to worry about figuring out how to spend that money because I'm going to handle it for them. Here's what the Galaxy should spend their riches from the Madrid friendly.
- Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs: The carts sit outside the Home Depot Center and smell delicious as the bacon wrapped hot dogs sizzle in their gloriousness. The first thing that the Galaxy are going to do with their Madrid money is pay the vendors to set up shop inside the stadium and sell their heart-attack inducing deliciousness. Normally vendors have to pay to set up inside a stadium, but that's not how this is going. Bacon wrapped hot dogs have flipped the stadium food game upside down.
- Jersey Paint: We have these new punjab jerseys that are super flashy and all that jazz, but I think it's time to invest is some jersey paint. It can be oil gold or whatever the secondary color on the jersey is called, but there needs to be soem painting of a sash on that new jersey. Then it can be a proper third jersey.
- Undertaker: Someone has to dispose of Juan Pablo Angel's body. It's unseemly to allow a corpse to run around the field at the Home Depot Center. We want to build our fan base, not shrink it and a corpse running around will only scare off the young kids. There's also that pesky little problem of essentially playing 10 vs. 11 and committing a gigantic chunk of our salary cap to Angel.
- Parking: We all know how much of hassle parking at the Home Depot Center can be and paying $15 doesn't make things any better. That is why the Galaxy need to give me my own personal parking spot right by the exit so I'm in and out quickly. Oh, I also don't have to pay for it. The rest of you, figure out parking for yourselves.
- Member's Club: Having been to Sporting Kansas City's new stadium I can speak to the amazingness of it. Ignore the roof, the sight lines and anything else about the place. It's the member's club that makes it all kinds of awesome. Right by the supporter's section, all members (i.e. people who sit in the supporter's section) get to go in there with its food and drink fabulousness. There are $2 beers and it opens long before the match then stays open long after to allow fans to indulge in the advanced intricacies of the sport. And by advanced intricacies I mean beer.
- Andy Roddick: We should sign him. He can sit on the bench for all I care so long as Brooklyn Decker comes along to watch him sit on the bench. Team complete.